I DON'T...

I have always known that in 1984, the riots killed thousands of sikhs. But for me it was always just an event which happened once upon a time. I have always known and believed what happened was wrong and theres nothing that could justify it but it has always been about moving on. Today as I write I have a doubt in my head, why is this affecting me so much. Is it because thousands of people died or because thousands of 'sikhs'died. Is it about humainty or religion? On thinking a little more, I am convinced beyond doubt that when these riots were repeated in Gujarat years later, I was affected in the same way. Pictures of men being killed in 1984 or 2002 leave me equally numb. I now know I am sad not because sikhs died but because thousands of men lost their lives. I am sad because families were destroyed in a way they still haven't recovered. I am sad because it could have been my father or uncle. I am sad that it can be one of us even now. And I am sad that I also for a moment thought about 'religion'.



I don't know what to do, where to look, whom to ask.
I feel I am being pulled.
I try to keep myself away from religion but I feel I'm being drawn into it.
I am scared because I feel lonely and weak in my territory.
I don't know what to do,
I don't know where to go.
I don't know who to believe.

I am scared and disgusted with myself
I don't want to believe I need a movie to wake me up to reality
I don't want to step out of this reality.
I don't want to believe I'm becoming cold to everything,
I don't want to believe I don't want to accept it.
I don't know now if moving on is good or not.
I don't know where to go
I don't know whom to ask.
I don't know where to look.

I don't want to cry and feel sad about what happened,
I don't want to be indifferent towards those whom its saddened.
I don't want to feel that I should do something,
I don't want to realise that I can't.
I don't want people to think I'm sensitive,
I don't want them to think I'm cold.
I don't want people to know what i feel,
I don't want people not to know.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know who to ask.
I don't know where to go.

I don't want to believe what happened had to happen,
I don't want to believe it was their destiny.
I don't want to think everything is fair,
I don't want to believe everything is not.
I don't want to believe things are getting better now,
I don't want to believe they are getting worse.
I don't want to believe this is real,
I don't want to believe it happened.
I don't want to believe it won't happen again,
I don't want to believe it may.
I don't want to believe I was saved,
I don't want to believe I will be.
I don't want to believe I am going to forget,
I don't want to remember.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to look.
I don't know whom to ask.

I don't want to not know,
I don't want to know that I don't.
I don't want to believe You were asleep when it happened,
I don't want to believe it happened when you were awake.
I don't want to believe you won't protect me if it happens again,
I don't want to believe you will.
I don't want to believe you let it happen then,
I don't want to believe you won't this time.
I don't want to believe things will remain the same,
I don't want to believe they'll change.

I don't want to believe anyone now,
I don't want to believe I don't.
I don't know where to look,
I don't know whom to ask,
I don't know where to go,
I don't know who to believe.